CAN I TRUST YOU?!? ☀︎⭐︎☾

“In every moment the Universe is conspiring to bring me toward right-minded thinking and the energy of love.” -The Universe Has Your Back cards by Gabby Bernstein

As I mentioned in my 1st post, I’ve been moving through the process of a kundalini awakening. A kundalini awakening is the reactivation and alignment of each chakra starting at the root and moving up one by one through the crown. It usually involves the rebalancing of each of those energy centers in the body and signals major transformation for the person experiencing it. I am not an expert. I only know from my experience, but the process has been an incredibly intuitive one and has coincided with some major healing and transformations within me physically, mentally, and spiritually. My awakening started in early July, 2018 and I’ve been slowly moving through and balancing each chakra since then. I didn’t realize I was working through this process until I was in my solar plexus and moving into my heart chakra…that’s how naturally it has all flowed for me. But my journal entries and daily intentions from those early months are so powerfully aligned with the chakras I was moving through at that point and it’s pretty cool. Each chakra has taken about a month and a half to move through. Three weeks ago I got the hit that I was finished with expanding my 3rd eye chakra and that I was moving into my crown.

I got the hit a few times within a 24 hour period. ‘The hit’ was just a simple thought that kept popping up randomly saying that I was moving into the final chakra. When I finally accepted the simple thought as the truth (still working on not 2nd guessing the initial knowing), I got the download about what this part of the journey was about for me. I intuited that my time reactivating the crown chakra right now is about me strengthening my faith and trust in the universe…building up my belief that I am always being paid attention to and shown up for and taken care of.

The way the healing has worked at each phase is that it forces me to actually deal with the thing that keeps me in the suffering. I don’t just land in a chakra and it heals itself. No, I wish. What actually happens though is that something in my life gets stimulated or triggered that forces me to work through whatever the wound is and that’s the point where the healing starts to find its way. So, here I am being asked to face my trust issues with the universe and of course I’m presented with a situation in my life where I’m opposite someone who is triggering all of my wounds around being ignored, abandoned, not shown up for, and not being taken care of. Basic gist of the situation is that I’m not being responded to after some pretty vulnerable self expression. This is a very familiar story that’s played itself out in my life, and also; with this particular person over and over. It’s not the other person’s fault though. It’s something in me that keeps me engaged. It’s my own wounding that lets myself be victim to their behavior in the 1st place. Another person could be in my position and not take it so personally (it wouldn’t send them into a tailspin like it does me)…this is how I know the trigger is my wound. I’m trying to use this opportunity to really rearrange this for myself. I know that if I can heal up the suffering here, it will translate to healing my trust issues on a greater scale, which will remove so many blocks when it comes to me manifesting more of what I deserve into my life…and also more peace of mind within relationships. (And might just be powerful enough to shift the energy between this person and I and heal this particularly unbalanced part of the relationship).

Where I get stuck in this dynamic (and how this also relates to my trust issues with the universe) is that when I feel I’m being ignored or not paid attention to, I make it all about me. I spend so much time and energy wondering what I did or said wrong. I take on all the blame. I catastrophize the whole thing and imagine every worse case scenario. I get myself feeling so ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated about exposing my vulnerability in the first place, that I shut down. And worst of all, I use it as ammunition against myself…more proof as to why I’m not worthy or lovable. It quickly becomes my own excuse to disengage and participate in my own similar avoidance behavior that results in everyone feeling rejected and no one getting their needs met. Once again, not everyone in this position would react the way I do and take it so personal…it’s my wound.

How do I heal the wound? The only thing that truly works for me is to dig deep and try to find the very first moment I experienced this kind of dynamic in my life…usually it’s something deep in childhood that needs to be acknowledged and smoothed out. In my case, my whole awakening and healing this past year has been centered around a particular trauma that I wasn’t previously aware of and that I’ve been working through - and all the complexity of ways it has continued to show up in my life unconsciously since. It was a very early traumatic experience that left me confused and hurt and feeling unsafe. There was no one I trusted nearby who was aware of what was happening, so I wasn’t being protected and I was also too young to have the words to express myself or understand what was happening to me. My mind protected me by shutting the memory out and instilling a pattern of unawareness and aloofness to anyone in the future that might represent a similar threat (true or not). Once warning signs of the trauma started to show up as symptoms on my body shortly after the initial event and then throughout my childhood, I was shamed and humiliated for it and made to believe it was something wrong with me. The extra weight on my body was simply trying to protect me when no one else would. Recognizing how consistently and powerfully the body has tried to keep me safe all these years, has dramatically helped me to appreciate my body in ways I never could before. I’ve really been able to let go of all the loathing that I was trained to feel so deeply about my body for so much of my life. That’s a fucking miracle right there!

I’ve been doing so much healing around this initial event in my life and right now the trigger is happening in the area of not being shown up for, responded to, understood, and protected. I’m being encouraged right now to heal my automatic response of assuming abandonment and then the habit of using it all as ammunition against myself.

Let me set up how this mirrors my relationship to the Universe: If there is something that I am wanting to manifest for myself (like a career opportunity for example) and it’s not happening for me, I go to the same depths of rejection within myself to try to make sense of why I can’t have the thing that I’m wanting. What I have such a hard time landing on (and where I’m working to rearrange my brain right now) is that maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with me at all! What if that?!? What if that career opportunity didn’t pan out because I was better suited for something else that would have competed with it? What if that person who is triggering me right now…what if their undesirable behavior has nothing to do with what I might be lacking, but everything to do with where they believe deep down they are lacking and how they can’t show up for themself; and therefore, can’t show up for me by consequence? Maybe there is more protection going on behind the scenes than I’m meant to know…just as my brain all this time has protected me from that initial memory. If I had a stronger faith in the universe, I wouldn’t have to question it all at every turn, right? I wouldn’t have to try to micromanage it all for myself. I could give up needing to be a control freak. But oh how I love being in control! I could give my racing mind a break because I now know where I need to protect myself. And what if I don’t have to keep myself safe and small with all that negative self talk and the constant chatter about being rejected because it was never about me in the first place…it was about the other person’s wound, but because I didn’t realize this, I just took full responsibility to try to make sense of it all.

I am definitely in the process of outgrowing all of this stuff…the suffering…the low vibrations that keep me in the old negative thought cycles. I can feel that as I learn to trust myself and the universe on a deeper level, the complications and confusion that clouded certain areas of my life before, are lifting. I will point out though, that I am here now because I have done so much work on healing and creating safety within myself, that now I can work to expand that trust outside of myself…to the universe and others as well.

So, moving forward through the crown, I’m intending to use this time to work on rearranging any thoughts that come up within these moments of silence that feel so threatening; as well as, all those thoughts that accompany the unknown. If the thought is making me feel unworthy, rejected, or unsafe, it must let it go and I must work to replace it with a new dialogue that’s much kinder to myself and encourages leaning into more trust, freedom and surrender. It’s about creating a solid foundation of trust so that I can be in more consistent contact with my higher self and my higher purpose.

And of course this is the card I pull for this blog post…magic is everywhere when you expect it to be! ✨✨✨

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