'I DESERVE THE BEST AND I ACCEPT THE BEST NOW.'
‘I am mentally and emotionally equipped to enjoy a prosperous and loving life. It is my birthright to deserve all good. I claim my good.’ -Power Thought Cards by Louise Hay
July 7th, 2018. On that day, I decided to cut everything out of my life that was extraneous…I committed myself to 3 months of it (all this based mainly on my intuition at the time). At that point I was suffering from the following symptoms:
Excessive weight I could never keep off no matter how much I’ve tried in my life (and believe me, I’ve TRIED).
An up and down/roller coster relationship with food (and my body) that mirrored my relationships with men…indulging and then starving myself…overall just so fearful about certain foods; and also, commitment and intimacy.
Chronic and debilitating lower back and hip pain that I had always just chocked up to being a bartender and something I was just meant to suffer through.
Nonexistent periods unless I was on the pill, which made me feel crazy and not like myself. This has been a trend my whole life. (As you might notice, a lot of my symptoms are sacral chakra related…more on that down the line…)
Intense unexplained guilt and shame that made it hard for me to be vulnerable and go after and receive the things that I wanted.
Anxiety and paranoia….never feeling safe in my own skin.
Exhaustion, moodiness, resentment, and all the other shitty feelings that come with being at your emotional rock bottom.
People pleasing…overextending myself to others in my personal life and at work…not believing I was worthy enough just as I am…giving too much at the expense of my own needs and desires and instead of asking for what I need, just assuming rejection and abandonment and letting the story of ‘I won’t be shown up for’ repeat itself over and over.
Let’s jump back to January 2016 real quick. That was the time of the first eclipse of the Leo/Aquarius series that spanned the following 2 years. The energy of these eclipses was meant to even out power struggles…those outside of ourselves and also within. There was also a lot of unearthing of secrets during this time collectively connected to this energy…especially where it concerns women…think the #metoo movement. I am a Leo sun and Aquarius moon. To look back and see the correlation of the intensities of those eclipses and what was happening my own life is completely mind-blowing. I’ll talk more about it all later I’m sure. Anyway, back in January 2016, I had started to make strides in all areas of my life to try to move things forward…I was dragging myself out of my shell… I was putting myself out there in ways I hadn’t attempted to previously…I was pushing through my shyness-what I’ve now come to know as a fear of being seen and exposed. It was a crazy time in life when things felt they were moving so fast and so much was out of my control. I was also running away from a self-fulfilling heart break that kinda set the undercurrent for it all. During the high vulnerability of that time period, all of my bad habits sort of spiraled. They became a crutch…a means to disassociate…to numb all the discomfort.
Things were coming to a head right before the beginning of my awakening. I had just released music for the first time as a recording artist. I was expecting the experience to provide for me a sense of freedom and joy and pride. Instead it was just unearthing all these simmering feelings of shame and quilt and unworthiness. I was present enough during it all to recognize that these were not appropriate feelings considering all the hard work I had put into the project and also all the positive responses I was getting in return from it. Also, during this time, I was really being forced to face my pattern of attracting unavailable men. I was finally ready to figure out what was so unavailable in me that was keeping me from being able to be opposite someone who was consistent and willing to make time and space for me. In that moment during that summer, I decided I needed to practice consistency and commitment with myself. I needed to figure out how to cultivate peace and ease within myself if that’s what I ultimately wanted from my career and relationships. I got the hit (divine inspiration) that practicing transforming my relationship with food…learning how to relate to food healthier…and making a commitment to not abandon myself in the process, would help me build trust within myself and would eventually translate into other areas of my life moving forward. I knew I had to remove all of the things that were toxic in my life to do this properly. And so on that day, July 7th, 2018, I did. All the things I removed included:
Numbers on the scale
Cigarettes (although I had really quite those a month prior, but it was still fresh)
Bitching, complaining, gossiping
Any outside energies that left me feeling drained or shitty about myself
I knew that giving up all these distractions was going to leave me with a lot of time and anxious energy on my hands, so I wisely used it as an opportunity to create and solidify not only a consistent morning routine for myself; but also, other self-care practices and rituals to lean on during my day and into the stillness of the evenings. Here are some things I have cultivated and explored throughout this process to replace the old habits:
Daily walking…10,000 steps a day (no more extreme exercise)
Yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily intention setting
Daily gratitude work
Intuition expansion with tarot and oracle/affirmation cards
New enriching and expanding lifestyle and spirituality podcasts to listen to
Ancient Mayan abdominal massage
Inner child work
Woman’s circles (Including creating my own)
Rose of Jericho manifesting tool
Soul retrieval (wild stuff…can’t wait to share about that doozy of an experience!)
It has now been 8 months and here are some of the results from this life changing experience so far:
Kundalini Rising-I’ll do a whole post on this soon, but it’s basically the opening and healing/aligning of each chakra starting with the root and then moving up the body. It’s taken about a month and a half for me to move through each one and the other day I got the hit that I’m now moving into my crown chakra…it’s actually really fucking cool how it correlates with all my healing work…more about all that to come.
No more suffering from sugar cravings and if I do get one, I now know it’s something emotional and I sit with it and dive in and deal with it.
Binging behavior has healed completely.
Significant weight loss…I don’t know how much…I didn’t look at the scale before and I don’t plan on ever looking at it, but I do know I’ve dropped dress sizes.
The constant convo I used to have about my body and food and the ways I would beat myself up over it…I don’t allow that kind of talk with myself anymore.
The shape of my body has changed. As I’ve been learning how to protect myself and keep myself safe, all the weight around my hips and thighs is no longer needed to protect me and so has melted away.
I’ve been able to reintegrate some foods and other ‘indulgences’ back into my life in moderation without it throwing me off course or knocking me off track.
All the back pain that I’ve experienced for as long as I can remember…totally gone now…all of it…fucking miraculous.
My periods…they come naturally now…they are becoming more and more regular every month…I didn’t ever think this was even possible.
So much forgiveness work…for myself and others.
New friendships based off of health and expansion and mutual support and nurturing.
So much practice saying ‘no’ to things that aren’t aligned with what I want and letting it create more space for the things I do want.
My aura is just so bright and bubbly these days. I now am aware of how powerful I am and I’m using it for good and with intention, which is creating more joy and laughter and good vibes around me.
I am inspiring others to be kinder to themselves…it’s very cool to see people expand around me just simply because they are witness to the power of me doing my own work.
I’ve grieved…oh boy have I grieved. I’ve grieved all the missed opportunities in my life and all the low self-esteem that’s informed what I thought I wasn’t deserving of. I’ve grieved pain that wasn’t even my own I think. I may just have just cried a million tears in these months. But I’ve shown up for the grief and I’ve let myself feel it all fully and as a result it’s making me lighter physically, emotionally and mentally. It’s powerful work dealing with the shadow…so magnetizing!
My intuition is blaring. I now know the difference between my fear mind and my intuitive mind. I’m no longer 2nd guessing all my knowingness anymore. I have come to understand that I am claircognizant…which means that I just know certain things about people and situations…I always have…I can’t explain why I know, but I do and I’m never wrong. I’m expanding my gift these days and removing any shame I have attached to it.
I’ve purged my living space and rearranged and redecorated.
I’ve started my own woman’s group that is so sacred to me and gives me so much back.
I am putting myself out there again with my music, in my relationships, and here in this platform with me opening up about my journey. And this time I’m being present and taking care of myself and healing the remnants of any shame and unworthiness that pop up along the way.
I’m awake and expanding and magnetic. I don’t know where my life is going, but I feel like I’m on the verge of a big reward that’s gotta be arriving here soon…working on being in a surrendered place, so that I can receive it when it shows up.
Moving forward, I plan on getting into more detail about all the healing modalities i’ve been playing with and all the synchronicities that have led me to each one. I’m not sure what form this will all end up taking or how often I will get to it…I’m practicing being human and not being perfect throughout the process. But if my experience can be a means to inspire others…to remind everyone that we are not meant to live in our own suffering…that our bodies, minds, and souls are magical and always want to bring us back to a state of healing and wholeness, then it’s all worth it to me. From my experience, I believe that all we have to do is just be WILLING to show up for ourselves and then set the intention. Yes, sometimes we need to face the dark and discomfort of the stillness in order to do that with any sustainability. I don’t believe everyone has to take such an extreme approach to their own healing as I have…it’s what I personally needed to do at this time in my life. At the end of the day, I think it’s really just all about us listening to ourselves…listening to what we need…and sometimes that just requires getting quiet enough to hear it.
Thank you so much for showing up for me by reading this. Below is the card I pulled in correlation with this post…kinda perfect, but it always tends to be.
I will leave you with one question to ask yourself, which has been my guiding light throughout this whole journey (given to me by my amazing therapist, Marilyn):
‘What is the most loving thing I can do for myself today?’
*Photo above by Danielle Shields